Dear Dr Gluk,
I am a 16-year-old school student, and for as long as I can remember I have had a gay side to me. Normally, I fancy girls, and I hope one day I will marry a woman and have a family, but if I like girls it is only ever because of their personalities. Whenever I think about looks or sex I always fantasise about men. I can't work out whether I'm gay, bi or straight with gay fantasises.

I can't talk to anyone about my problems - not even my closest friends. My school has always been 100% hateful towards gays, yet last week a boy in the year below me came out publicly and strangely no one seems to be bothered by it. I don't know this boy at all, but I'm tempted to go up to him and talk to him about my problems. Would that be a mistake? What should I do?

James

Hello James
First of all I am very glad that you had the courage to put your feelings on paper (well e-mail!). Secondly let me tell you that you are one of many many boys of your age who are unsure about where their sexuality lies. You seem almost eager to give yourself a label as either gay, bisexual, or straight, and this is no doubt because of your need to have a sense of identity.

There is no need to rush and stick a label to yourself and I certainly can't guarantee that you are gay or straight. If you find yourself attracted physically to boys/men then you may well be gay or bi-sexual. Also I noticed that you mention talking to this 'out' student about your "problems". This tells me that you see this as a problem and there is no need to do so. Certainly speaking to the student may help, even if it just means feeling comfortable knowing there is someone other than you who is questioning their sexuality. If you feel like approaching him then give it a go, I can't see that there is anything to lose and you may gain a friend.

Best of luck.
Love
Dr Gluk
xxx

Dear Doctor,
I'm 24 years old (male). In the past couple of weeks my body has started to change like its going through puberty again. I never had much facial hair
but lately its starting to grow more wide spread and getting to the point where I could shave twice a day. Hair is starting to grow at an alarming rate on my chest and changing in to thick dark hair on my abdomen. My penis has grew at least an inch bigger and although I speak really quietly everyone has noticed that my voice has gone deeper. I'm finding this really embarrassing. Shouldn't this have stopped at 16. I've not taken drugs or changed my life style so what's going on?

Please help.

Hi
Even though puberty occurs in early teens many people have sudden surges of hormones throughout their lives. There is certainly nothing to worry about, even if these changes have surprised you. Many men suddenly get hairier and develop increased muscle tone well into their twenties. Certainly the extra deepening of your voice indicates hormonal changes are continuing, and such changes are perfectly normal. It won't take long before your voice sticks at a certain depth and as for your penis getting larger, well lucky you :O)

Love and hugs,
Dr Gluk
xxx

Hi Doc
I would like to be anonymous. How can you tell if a guy is gay/bisexual or not? My friend has a million girls who rely want to out with him, he has said no to every one, accept one with he did not even get physical with. He looks at me some times in a loving way. I would love for him to be gay.

From
xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Anon
There is no easy way to answer your question. Many gay men behave in the stereotypically gay way, but there are many others who give no visual or verbal signs of being gay. I have even known people whom I have thought might be gay and have then turned out as straight.

It is certainly possible to use the subtle clues to try and ascertain someone's sexual orientation such as dress, voice tone, how long someone holds eye-contact etc. However there is no sure-fire accurate way of really knowing. You might just want to ask him or maybe hint that you are gay and see how he responds. Or ask what his attitudes and beliefs are about homosexuals. Finally, just because he has turned down the advances of women, doesn't mean that he IS gay. He may just be picky in who he chooses to date.

Best of luck,
Dr Gluk
xxx

Hi Dr. Gluk
I'm basically so afraid of myself i can't live properly. I've never had any kind of experience with guys, because i didn't want to accept i was gay, and always hoped it was "just a phase". I never dated girls either, because i thought i wouldn't work. I'm 22 years old, and now i know for sure i'm gay.

I live in Chile, South America (i know i should probably contact someone near me, but i'm scared some of my friends or family eventually know that i've done it) and if its hard to come out in the UK, you can imagine how hard it is here. There are some gay men in my University, but even their so called friends mock them sometimes. That makes me feel like i'm some kind of spawn, and i'm afraid my friends will leave me if they know.

I've been to a gay club a couple of times, but the scene isn't for me. I also have a lesbian friend, but she's too busy with her relationship to help me. Basically, summing things up, i feel like I haven't got any chance of ever meeting someone or enjoying myself without paying a high, high price (and not having the guts to do it make me feel coward). I've read about depression and i think i've got many symptoms. What shall i do?
Thanks indeed for taking the time to read this.

Nick

Dear Nick
Many thanks for finding the courage to write. Expressing your concerns is the first step to improving the quality of your life. I will be honest and tell you that being gay is not always easy and sometimes you have to deal with a lot of prejudice from people who are generally ignorant or just uninformed. The key thing to do is to find a person or group of people who you can be honest and open with about your sexuality.

Until you make contact with people experiencing the same feelings as you, you will continue to feel lonely and depressed. You may not be comfortable on the gay scene, but it is a good way to meet other gay people. Your university probably have a lesbian, gay & bisexual society and they may be able to offer you some support. Try to find the strength to join or at least e-mail one of the organisers. As for friends mocking, well in my opinion friends who mock their friends are NOT friends, at least not if it is meant in a depreciating way.

You need to find some support, in order for your self-esteem to grow and for you to become comfortable. You do have the opportunity to form a relationship and feel happy, and you deserve that right. So, make some gay friends, whether it be through the university or via the internet (there are lots of gay chat facilities - one is available through Gaylifeuk).
Best of luck taking this next step and feel free to let me know how you do.

Hugs,
Dr Gluk

Hi, doctor
I'm simonp, living in the Nottingham area. My problem is that although I have come out, and most people I know are fine (even unsurprised!) about it, I do have one friend who is repelled by the whole idea. He is in the army, and I think that might have something to do with it. He refuses to have anything to do with me now that I am gay, and I just can't seem to talk him round.
Any advice?

Simon

Hello Simon
I am pleased to hear that your coming out has not been or major concern to most of your friends. I think that your friend has no doubt been influenced by his army upbringing and this probably isn't helping the situation.
However, it is important for him to realise that you are still the same person you were before you admitted your sexuality to him. This may just be a shock to him and he may just need time to accept what you have told him. Sad as this situation is, if he refuses to communicate with you then there is little that you can do. If he can't accept you and get over his prejudice then he has lost a good friend in you and will one day regret that. The problem that you present me with is HIS problem and not yours. He needs to get over it and should respect your friendship. The chances are he is frightened of something, so if you can talk to him then maybe find out what his fears are.
Best of luck.

Hugs,
Dr GLUK

Hi Doc,
I feel really awkward about my body, every picture of a gay person on the
net seems to be of someone who is either thin and very toned or a real hunk.
I'm just normal, thin and a bit hairy. I am nervous about going clubbing or
meeting anyone and that they'll be this stereotypical gay I've described and
have no interest in me.

Ben

Hi Ben
You are right, the media more often than not portrays people as having the perfect body and looks, not just gay men. When it boils down to it, most people are, as you put it "just normal" and you have no reason to feel bad about being so. Your problem is that you are expecting everyone in gay clubs to be muscle hunks with perfect features, and this has led to you lacking confidence in yourself. I can assure you that you will find all walks of life in gay clubs, younger lads, older men, fat guys, thin guys, muscled guys etc. So all I can say is find some friends and go out gay clubbing with them. If you pull then that's great, but most importantly just go have a good time and become aware that you are not the only "normal" guy there. You will certainly find the stereotypes but be proud that you don't have to fit one of those, that you can be an individual.
Best of luck,

Hugs,
Dr GLUK

Hi Dr Gluk,
I am just 21, and reasonably experienced with oral, wankin and stuff from crusing and cottaging. I am going to London sometime soon and I like the idea of going to a sauna. I am basically completely inexperienced with anal sex (cept playing my self ;)).

So...
Am I too inexperienced to go to a sauna?
Should I try to find someone to go with?
What day and time would be good? Should I go when it is busy or what?
Talk me through what it is like. I pay at the front desk but then what?
Where to go? What to wear? Which rooms to go to bearing in mind I am mainly interested in the sex? How to approach guys I fancy, and get rid of those i don't? I'm confused, hope you can give me some pointers.

Cheers
Peter

Hi Peter
I can't say that I have ever had first hand experience of a gay sauna but there are a few hints and tips on the following Gaylifeuk web page: http://www.gaylifeuk.com/saunas/etiquette_for_first_timers.shtml
When taking part in any sexual activities with strangers you should be aware of the potential risks. If you intend on going to a sauna for sex, then make sure that you take lube and strong condoms with you, as not all places provide them. Also, don't feel that you have to have anal sex with anyone. Not all gay men are comfortable with it and you might want to break yourself into the sauna experience more slowly.
As for whether you should go with a friend, that would depend on whether you
or they felt comfortable doing that. Would you want one of your friends possibly watching you having sex?
Finally, experience wise saunas attract a good mix of experienced and inexperienced guys. You are sure to find some one who suits your needs.
Hope the web page helps and be careful.

Love,
Dr GLUK
x

Hi Doctor,
I'm a gay 18 year old and I'm very inexperienced. I've met someone who is very kind and caring. He and I didn't rush into anything but eventually we got round to having sex. He doesn't like the idea of anal and neither do I so we're cool there, but, like I say, I'm very inexperienced. I couldn't even kiss him properly! He was cool about it and very supportive. That unfortunately didn't help how I felt and I'm scared to do anything else with him - I don't know what I'm doing! Please help,

Ian.

Hi Ian
It sounds to me that you have at least discussed sex with your partner, that is, what you like and don't like. Not all gay men have to have anal sex and it is handy that neither of you want to at this point. As far as "doing anything else" you should do what you feel comfortable with and if he suggests something that you don't like or are unsure about then you should talk with him. I am sure that he is very understanding and can teach you anything you want to know ;O). Try not to worry, your experience will improve as you both get to know each other more sexually. Remember there is no right and wrong with sex, just do what you enjoy.

Feel free to stay in touch if you need any more advice or support.

Love,
Dr GLUK.
xxx

Hiya Dr
I am 29, female and i recently met online a 28 year old girl form my hometown. She seemed different from all the girls I've ever met and she seemed to like me too. We talked on the phone and we clicked at once. We were talking about going on summer holidays together and she even told me she wanted to come see me here in the uk! She's one of the sweetest and most sensitive girls I've ever met and I haven't even seen her yet!! Recently she was honest enough to tell me that she got back with her ex. I was quite disappointed, not by her but because I live so far away from her to show her how I feel. I know its difficult to beat an ex but should I take her out of my mind once and for all or should I be there for her as a friend?
thank you.

Hi
I think that this is a difficult one because it is clear that you have formed a close friendship with this girl. This is reflected by the fact that she was honest with you about the situation with her (ex)girlfriend. I don't think that you should put yourself up against her ex, as she has already made the decision to get back together with her. But that isn't to say that you can't remain friends, however you should not expect more than this. In the long run it may be easier to just let her get on with her life and for you to move on and get on with yours.
Best of luck.

Love,
Dr GLUK